70 Church-Oriented Dad Jokes
G.K. Chesterton is famously quoted as saying: “A good joke is the closest thing we have to divine revelation.” If what he says is true then it is pretty safe to say that the following jokes are bad jokes. But not to fear! The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:4 that “there is a time to weep and a time to laugh.” These jokes are so terrible they may make you do both.
So here we go…
- Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
- How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
- Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.
That's not just a miracle. That's tapas.
- Photons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
- At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
- Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck
- How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
- Why didn't Noah go fishing? He only had two worms.
- Did Eve ever have a date with Adam?
No, just an apple.
- Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
- Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
- What kind of car does Jesus drive?
- Why are there so many elderly people in Church?
They're cramming for the final.
- What do they call pastors in Germany?
- Why couldn't Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
- What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
- Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson, because he brought the house down
- Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once
- What do we have that Adam never had?
- How does Moses make his coffee?
- What do you call it when Batman skips church?
- Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?
Because people are sleeping.
- What did Adam and Eve do after they were kicked out of the Garden of Eden?
They raised a little Cain.
- How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
- Why did the farmer bring his cows to church?
Because he heard they were getting a new pasture.
- How do groups of angels greet each other?
Halo, halo, halo.
- What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home!
- Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
The area around Jordan, because the banks were always overflowing.
- Why did God create man before woman?
Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
- Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
- Who was the first tennis player in the bible?
Joseph... he served in Pharaoh's court.
- Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus' time?
Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
- What animal could Noah not trust?
- When was meat first mentioned in the Bible?
When Noah took Ham into the ark.
- Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
David, because he rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
- What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
- Why did Noah have to correct the chickens on the Ark?
Because they were using “fowl” language.
- Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
- What’s the best way to study the Bible?
You Luke into it.
- Where is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
When God gave Moses two tablets.
- Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
- If anyone needs an ark.
I happen to Noah guy.
- Who was the smallest person in the Bible?
- What’s a missionary’s favorite car?
- Adam & Eve
The first people not to read the Apple terms and conditions.
- Why did the the man give his wife’s wedding ring to the church?
Because The pastors said it was time to take off-her-ring.
- What is Eve’s favorite food?
- What do you call a Catholic service that is very important?
A Critical Mass.
- What kind of tiles did Jesus argue with his contractor about putting in his home? Gentiles.
- Why did Jesus give all the sick women stilettos?
Because they said they wanted to be heeled.
- What did the stormtrooper say when he entered the church?
- What’s a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns!
- What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
- Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
- Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
- Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
- What Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhh…”
- What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
- Two ministers met in the afterlife and one said “Isn’t heaven wonderful after parish ministry?”
The other replied. “This isn’t heaven.”
- Why wouldn’t Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile
- Why did the priest giggle during his homily?
He had Mass hysteria.
- Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
- If Moses was alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
- Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
- Why did the church come with an expiration date?
Because it was perishable.
- Three pastors walk into a bar.
The fourth one ducked.
- How many Presbyterians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change? My grandmother donated that light bulb!
- What do you call a pastor in charge of a play?
A spiritual director.
- What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A “roamin’” Catholic
- Why don’t skeletons play music at church? Because they don’t have any organs!
Reality Changing Observations:
Q1. What is your favorite short, appropriate church-related dad joke not listed above? (Leave my photo out of this!)
Q2. What is the value of making another person laugh?
Q3. Do you think that it is possible for a comedic interjection to shape the world for the better; why or why not?