Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop brand sells 'Psychic Vampire Repellent' (seriously)

Dan Broadbent

You scoffed at them when they sold lotion at $84 an ounce. You laughed at them when they offered to help you put coffee in your ass for $135. But vampires are certainly not a laughing matter, and Gwyneth Paltrow's brand, "Goop", knows it.

Any true scholar knows that vampires have been around for many millennia, however it was only brought to the forefront of the public's mind in the 18th Century.

Thank goodness we have Gwyneth Paltrow, and Goop, to protect us.

For the low price of just $27, you can buy some personal protection from the posthumous parasites known as vampires.

According to the Goop website:

A spray-able elixir we can all get behind, this protective mist uses a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils, reported to banish bad vibes (and shield you from the people who may be causing them). Fans spray generously around their heads to safeguard their auras. 

The "ingredients list" is also a treasure trove of information.

I have a degree in music education and a minor in music performance. I know how difficult to tune an instrument. I've never attempted to tune water though, and have no idea where you'd even begin to do so. I can *totally* get behind the grain alcohol, though.

I'm sure the watered down alcohol with some herbs and "crystals" in it smells fantastic. But as I've previously written about, pretty rocks don't cure or treat anything (and besides, crystal is a shape, not an actual mineral).

Maybe it's a joke, meant to be ironic and mock those who are gullible enough to believe them, but given Goop's history of pseudoscience, I think that's giving them a bit too much credit. Either way, it's rather harmless in the grand scheme. After all, it's not like they're trying to sell products to spray on children, right?

Goop's product to spray on children

God damn it.

Goop's website also sells "Chill Child - Kid Calming Mist." Because of fucking course they do.

For getting the kiddos to chill, this aromatherapy mist is incredible: in addition to uplifting rosewater, cleansing sea salt, and therapeutic-grade oils of lavender, jasmine, chamomile, and geranium, it also contains a blend of sonically tuned gem elixirs (amethyst, jade, selenite, and rose quartz) and tiny, Reiki-charged crystals. It also smells incredible—misted into the air, this magic elixir can instantly soothe virtually anyone’s energy. To use, shake gently, then spray into the air around your wild child’s aura to restore peace to the environment (avoid spraying near the eyes, and do not ingest or inhale).

At least they discourage users from spraying it in their kids' faces?

The "vampire spray" is funny and relatively harmless ( a fool and his money are soon parted, after all). However, there's real danger with the "Chill Child" spray.

For one, it's ignoring the real possibility that the child may have ADHD or another mental health diagnosis. It's assuming that all children are neurotypical and no further intervention is needed. Second, you're literally spraying saltwater on and around your kids. And ignoring the fact that essential oils aren't essential, it is possible to "overdose" on these oils and have bad reactions. Third, it's just lazy parenting to think that you can spray water on your kids and they'll calm down.

I mean after all, kids aren't cats.

Products like this instill a distrust of real, actual medical professionals because they make people feel as though they know more than their doctors. That creates a potentially dangerous gateway to becoming noncompliant with treatment. It's all fun and games until someone actually dies because they thought they knew more than their doctors.