David Wolfe In Critical Condition After Apparent Accidental Crystal Overdose
AURA CITY, WOOSCONSIN — Local authorities and doctors are confirming at this time that lifestyle coach, nutrition guru, and the World’s Most Enlightened and Wizened Man, David “Avocado” Wolfe is in critical but stable condition following what appears to be an accidental overdose of crystal chakra voodoo.
“At approximately 6:15 last evening, Mr. Wolfe’s karma adviser arrived at his underground, anti-chemtrail bunker and found him unconscious, barely breathing,” Deputy Lt. Gary Shanice of the Aura City PD told us. “There were various products and containers for those products scattered all around the bunker, and it was pretty quickly apparent that Mr. Wolfe had accidentally overdosed on crystal chakra voodoo.”
According to leading pseudo-scientific institutions, crystal chakra voodoo is employed in situations where “traditional karma cleansing won’t do.” It’s estimated that only six lifestyle, fitness, and nutrition gurus know how to properly perform a crystal chakra voodoo ceremony. Mr. Wolfe is one of those six. According to the National Institute of Woo at least three people are killed every thirty to forty years in crystal chakra voodoo overdoses.
Wolfe was rushed to a nearby hospital, not far from his anti-chemtrail bunker. There, doctors saw his condition and transferred him the Universal Cleansing Institute, just a few miles down the road. Once there, the UCI’s “healing helpers” took a nearly lifeless Wolfe into their facility and hooked him up to various electronic devices that made all kinds of whirring, beeping, booping, and chirping noises.
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“We began an immediate Level 15 Deep Woo Cleanse, which even laymen know is just two levels short of the highest possible Deep Woo Cleanse,” UCI’s Head Healer and Empath Suzanne Montoya told us. “After many, many hours of deep soul cleansing breaths, intravenous avocado toast, intense meditation, and three ibuprofen, David began to show real signs of recovery.”
While it’s unclear at this time when Wolfe will be able to resume work again, but Ms. Montoya is confident that he will come back “more invigorated and with at 33% less bad karma” than he had before the near-fatal overdose of crystal chakra voodoo.
“I bet his followers don’t even notice a difference, even if he is slurring his speech and half of what he says comes from old timey snakeoil salesman catalogs,” Montoya said.