Scott Pruitt Looking For Dead Planet He Had Stuffed In Trump Hotel Mattress

Scott Pruitt Looking For Dead Planet He Had Stuffed In Trump Hotel Mattress

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The scandal involving chief EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt’s financial and administrative decisions shows no signs of going away any time soon.

Picking Mr. Pruitt to head up the EPA was controversial because as Oklahoma’s Attorney General, he would routinely sue the department for what he called governmental overreach. Since taking over the role, Pruitt has done nothing to quell the controversy, and has instead made a handful of head scratching, eye-popping decisions that have left even some of President Trump’s most ardent supporters, like Iowa Senator Joni Ernst, turning their back on Pruitt.

“He is about as swampy as you get here in Washington, D.C., and if the president wants to drain the swamp, he needs to take a look at his own cabinet,” said Ernst, of Iowa. (source)

Pruitt has cited personal security reasons for lavish expenditures on first class air flights, once those purchases were made public via press reporting. Mr. Pruitt has been hammered on both sides of the aisle in Senate committee hearings for his spending habits, and yet another story that broke this week that has put an even brighter spotlight on how he’s running the Environmental Protection Agency.

According to reports, Pruitt had an aide use governmental employee time to research and contact Trump Hotels to determine if a used mattress could be purchased at half-cost.

“Honestly, it always baffles me when people call us up looking for used mattresses,” one Trump Hotel executive told us on the condition of anonymity. “I mean, these are HOTEL mattresses. I have no idea if Pruitt’s never heard of a blacklight, but we don’t call used mattresses ‘cum sponges’ in the industry for no reason.”

Word out of the EPA this morning is attempting to offer some clarity and insight into Pruitt’s desire to own a Trump Hotel mattress, and why he was so keen on having a staffer do his bidding in securing one.

“I wasn’t just looking to buy any old used Trump Hotel mattress. I wanted to find one in particular,” Pruitt told reporters this morning. “I was looking for the one where I’d had a dead planet — I guess technically OUR planet — stuffed into.”

Pruitt explained further.

“You know, like one does with a prostitute they might not want coming to the surface,” Pruitt said. “Like, maybe one that speaks Russian and does special shows of a golden variety? I’m just saying the president told me about this kind of thing and I followed his lead. Only problem? I can’t remember which mattress in which Trump hotel I had the planet stuffed into, so I keep having to call them all and have their housekeepers look for my mattress.”

Reached for comment, President Trump hailed Pruitt’s efforts as a “bigly good attempt to do what his boss does.”

“And that, my friends, is all a God/King/Emperor like me could ask for, total and complete sycophantic worship to the point of mimicry,” Trump said happily.

This story is developing.

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