BetsyDeVos Wants Sixth Grade Science Textbooks Replaced With The New Testament

BetsyDeVos Wants Sixth Grade Science Textbooks Replaced With The New Testament

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Education, under direction from Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, will be rolling out several key changes to America’s school curriculum next school year.

Current school guidelines, lesson plans, and materials will remain unchanged through the current term, but beginning in the fall of 2018, the DOE has said it will make “sweeping reforms.” At a press conference late last week, Secretary DeVos announced one of the changes.

“Starting next school year,” DeVos announced, “all sixth grade science textbooks will be replaced by the New Testament from the Holy Bible, American translation version.”

Before going on, DeVos paused. She reached behind her and produced a giant check, made out to the Republican Party, and another made out to the Donald Trump 2020 re-election campaign. She handed one check to a representative from the GOP, and another to Trump, who had joined DeVos for the announcement, saying he “just love[s] getting [his] picture in the papers.”

“There, I didn’t want to forget to give Don and the Republicans their monthly payments,” DeVos said, “and so now I’d be happy to take a few questions from you.”

A reporter asked DeVos why she felt the need to remove actual science texts and replace them with religious texts. DeVos giggled. She smiled blankly, and then replied.

“Both Donald and I feel this is a much gooder direction to take our educationicial systems,” Secretary DeVos said, adding, “and the first step toward learning our kids in a more better way is to get them right with God, I always say. And what I say goes, because to the donor go the spoils, as they say.”

When asked for some concrete examples of the benefits she and the president expect to see from making such a drastic change, DeVos smiled and giggled again.

“For starters,” Ms. DeVos said, “it saves a whole ton of money because I personally have a bible collection in the millions. I have so many bibles my church actually said I need to stop buying bibles because other people want to buy bibles. But, you can never have too much of the gospel, know what I mean?”

DeVos said she and Trump believed there would be other benefits as well.

“It also saves time,” DeVos insisted, “because there’s so much less that teachers have to teach in their science classes if we just pretend that there haven’t really been science-y things happening, right?”

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