Teen gets pregnant after snorting condoms at a party

Alternative Science

CINCINNATI, OH – A teenager at a local high school has announced that after snorting five condoms at a party last month, she is now pregnant.

The teen took to Facebook to make the announcement, stating the following:

Ms. Fisher later explained what happened that led to the pregnancy:

So I was like, totally having a blast at this party when my friend Chad told me about this new thing that sounded really, really cool. You take a condom then you snort it up your nose, and it comes out of your mouth! It sounds gross but it’s really funny.

When Alternative-Science asked how it was possible for Valerie to get pregnant from snorting a condom, she had this explanation:

I don’t know, it’s like, science or something.

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As many of our readers may not know, the most popular way for a woman to become pregnant is through vaginal sexual intercourse. Clearly, this was not the case with Valerie. She added:

All I know is that I totally didn’t have sex with Brian. We just love each other so much but I totally didn’t have sex. Does kissing cause babies? My mom told me it can but I don’t think that’s true. So I guess that means my baby is like, Jesus or something. Right?

Alternative-Science.com tried speaking with Valerie’s doctor, however they would not release any information due to privacy laws. Valerie’s family was happy to give us some background on the situation, however. Valerie’s mother, Glenda Fisher, had the following to say:

Valerie and Brian have been together for a year now, and I just know there’s no way they’re having sex. We teach abstinence and we teach her the Bible in this house. In Deuteronomy, it clearly says that if you have premarital sex, the men get to stone you, so she knows not to do that. I trust her completely, and look forward to the second coming of Jesus from my baby’s belly!

Most medical doctors we spoke with are baffled. However, one doctor Alternative-Science.com spoke with had this to say:

She’s lying. She’s had sex.

The doctor added:

Really? How stupid are you people? She’s had sex. Maybe if the family and schools bothered to teach comprehensive sex education, instead of abstinence-only sex education, this wouldn’t happen. Come on, people. This is 2018.